I've been feeling a tug on my heart. I'm not sure what it is, I'm still waiting for God to reveal what that tugging is. I know that raising Hollis is part of my calling in life. But, I feel like there's something else.What else? you ask. I can't quite put my finger on it. Like the old saying," it's on the tip of my tongue". Usually, I would be frustrated, wondering why God is taking so long to reveal himself to me. But, this time I feel as if this is part of the plan. The Lord wants me to wait to show me that he's in control. So many times I try to prove to him that I'm in control. It must be frustrating to him. He also probably laughs and says, "Silly girl, don't you know that I am the Alpha and Omega? Why do you wrestle me like Jacob? Have you not learned your lesson? Why do you not trust me? I will always prove myself to you." I'm so hard on myself and everyone that I love, that I forget that he has nothing to prove to me. Even if he hadn't already proven himself, I realize that he doesn't have to. He's GOD! Yet, he does anyway, over and over. Just to make himself accessible to me. He knows that I need the proof. How ashamed I am that I ask even God to prove himself to me. The Lord has made the ultimate effort, still I say,  "come to me Lord, come to me." It's time I went to him, got down on my knees and said, "Lord you have proven yourself to me time and time again. It's time for me to prove myself faithful to you." Here's the lyrics to a song by Avalon that I've always held dear to my heart.

I used to be the one 

Who would long to hear your voice 

A child who 

sought to win his Father's heart 

But as I carried on 

Life got a hold on me 

Now here I am, a child so far from home 



Tell me when did I lose my first love? 

Where did the fire and passion go? 

Burn in me Your holy fire 

Give me back my lost desire 

And restore in me the love I felt for You 

 

Can I remember how it felt 

When they looked into my face 

And they saw the love of Jesus in my eyes 

When I look back on my life 

And question where I've been 

Can I really say I've done my best for you? 

Oh, where did I go? 

(I've lost my way, I've lost my love, I'm all alone) 

Oh, I'm lost and I'm alone 

Oh, help me please Lord, lead me home 



Father take me back 

And let me start again 

Lord, I've failed and I've 

fallen in my pride 

But lead me back to you 

Where my life began 

Revive in me the yearning that has died.